I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
