what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
