i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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