hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
We were destined to go to rehab together
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize
