Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
