I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
