Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
