why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
