it hurts more in the daytime
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
