But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
