I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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