Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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