you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
