I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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