he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
