I just pynch a tree in the face
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Randomize
