True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
