Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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