He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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