booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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