Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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