hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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