I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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