so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
