now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
