I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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