this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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