He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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