So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
