No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
