Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
