i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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