I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize