Need sex. Gaining weight.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
