I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
