so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
