you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
