Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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