Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
