every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
