He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My penis needs a shock collar
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
