My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
