I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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