I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
