she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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