I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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