WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
