I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize