No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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