Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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