I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Randomize
