Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
