Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
