so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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