By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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