I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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