Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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