my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
