So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
