doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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