Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
