someone threw a dead crab at me
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
