At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
