her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
