she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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